Thursday, January 15, 2009

Everybody Panic!

Feces-throwing monkey on the loose in Tampa Bay

The MediaBlog: THE source for news and information on the monkey threat.

Here we go again, friends. We keep telling you that while everyone is focused on the economy and Gaza and what kind of dog Obama is going to get, the real threat is in the trees.

Now it's a... Let's just cut to the mustard... It's a shit-throwing monkey on the loose in Tampa. The damn, dirty ape is running around throwing shit at people. What does the illustrious, the vaunted, the respected Associated Press think about that?

"The monkey is not considered dangerous."

I guess my question, Mr. AP Reporter is... Not considered dangerous by whom? I mean, I understand not wanting to set off a panic, but if there is some sort of crazed, shit-throwing monkey coming down my street then I'm going to consider that pretty damned dangerous. If it's my kid getting a faceful of monkey shit... Yeah, I think that's dangerous.

People have to stop minimizing the monkey threat. Denial isn't going to save us. If we let this little simian bastard get away with this then they are just going to get bolder and bolder. They need to find the damn thing, contain him and have a sniper put one round through his 10 ring. Well, he's pretty small... Maybe it's only a 3 ring on a rhesus. I don't know. I don't care. All I know is that someone needs to plug the monkey.

And, by the way, if you never saw Plug the Monkey then you really missed out. That was some high quality porno right there. Not that I've seen it myself. I don't go in for that sort of thing. No. Definitely not. I hear things though. From people.

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